Figure out what your passions are — and pursue them.
Ever wonder whether men invest the same energy and angst into dating strategies that women do? Instead, they focus on work or hobbies they enjoy. To meet them, you should do the same thing. "That means getting to the local bookstore and perusing the titles in your favorite aisle, or going out into the country for a horseback ride, if that's what you like. Tell yourself, 'I'm going to have fun, and I'm doing this for me.'" And do go to the neighborhood bar with friends, if that's what you enjoy. The truth is, whether you're perfecting your latest in-line skating move or ballroom dancing, when you're having a good time, you look and feel your best. And if you're engrossed in what you're doing, you won't feel pressured to meet someone, which means you'll be relaxed enough to make friends.
For the same reason, don't take up an activity you hate, simply to meet someone. "I caution women not to run out and take a wine-tasting course when they don't drink," says Dr. Carle. "They're often disappointed afterward, because they didn't meet a like-minded person. And since they weren't interested in the activity in the first place, they end up getting very little out of the ordeal."
Go where singles do.
Consult your local paper for events geared toward people in your age group or who share your interests. Most religious groups hold get-togethers, meals and parties for singles; so do many sports and arts organizations, such as bicycling clubs and historical societies.
Check out the personals.
Testing the dating waters from your armchair has some advantages, particularly for women who are shy. "It's easy to fall into the mind-set that there's no one out there. Seeing that there are a lot of men your age who are looking can infuse you with a sense of possibility," says Sharon Wolf, a psychotherapist in New York City and author of "Guerilla Dating Tactics." Personal ads in your local newspaper are good for directing you to other singles in your area; online sites tend to be more far-flung. But whether you delve into personals virtually or in the traditional way, if you connect with someone interesting, move slowly. Don't divulge where you are, or even your name, until you're ready. Meet for the first time in public, and let friends know where you'll be.
Enlist your pals, but discreetly.
The wider you cast your net, the better the chance you'll reel in someone you like. Sit down with your address book, suggests Wolf, and reconnect with old buddies. Tell them you're updating your information, and, by the way, you're looking to meet someone great.
Push yourself a bit past your comfort zone.
"Where you go to meet men is not as important as how approachable you are. If you can manage to act reasonably garrulous, you can meet guys wherever you are," says Wolf. Try saying a few friendly words to the book-reader seated next to you on the bus, or the cute guy in the plumbing aisle at Home Depot. Feel too shy? "You have nothing to lose by starting a conversation," reassures Wolf. "At the very least, most people will be polite and respond — and you won't have to kick yourself later for having done nothing." Wolf tells the story of one woman she knows who started talking with the guy next to her in line at Starbucks. The woman said, "This is great. I'm not the last in line anymore." Now they're getting married.
